The pygmies have gone feral. You will be aware from previous posts just how traumatic this is for me, and will therefore understand how keen I am to rectify the situation. I am after all the original Nazi Mother, whose children walk to heel, fetch the gin bottle on command and stand obediently next to […]
Parenting
Confessions of a Bad Mother
My nanny cooks for the children. When she prepares their food she makes extra child-sized portions and fills the freezer for the days when she’s not at work. When my husband’s working late and I can’t be bothered to cook, I eat them. The children received more than their own body-weight in Easter eggs. I […]
Why L is the most important letter in the alphabet
The park is empty; we have the swings to ourselves and can make ourselves nauseous on the roundabout. We lie on our backs on the cut grass and squint into the sun. “It’s snowing!” G calls gleefully, waving her arms in the air. Against the blue, drifts of dandelion seeds are parachuting on the breeze. […]
Warning: this mother is alarmed
The recession has hit us all, and our economy drive has now extended to our days out. Last weekend we visited a Railway Centre in the next county. Not everyone’s cup of tea, granted, and to be frank my pre-children outing list would no more have included a train-spotting expedition than my wardrobe would have […]
My children use bodily fluid as a weapon
In my quest to write something funny I sought out my husband’s views; “I could shag you in the kitchen again – that seemed to go down well”, he said hopefully. Ignoring his crestfallen face I dismissed his suggestion out of hand; “That’s old hat. It has to be something new, something off the wall. […]
Is there room in your life for a little fascism?
A few weeks ago the pygmies were rampaging around a friend’s house with twenty other children, trooping ant-like up and down stairs, swarming over sofas and leaving a trail of party bag contents behind . I looked at the clock and made some swift calculations; just time for a nap in the car and home […]