Christmas is coming and the corn-fed, hand-reared goose is getting fat. Up and down the ‘shires Smug Mothers are glowing with festive pride as they prepare for family celebrations Kirstie Allsop would be proud of. But Smug Motherhood doesn’t come naturally to us all, and if you’re struggling to keep up with the Bingham-Joneses, I’ve put together a handy guide to help you pull it off this Christmas.
Make your own Advent calendar
Chocolate count-downs are a thing of the past; lighting candles is soooo last decade, and as for those quaint old-fashion picture calendars… oh pur-lease! The Smug Mother creates her own calendar from twenty-four sterilised olive oil bottles, twenty-four knitted stockings or twenty-four reclaimed miniature terracotta pots, and lovingly fills them with organic raisins, home-made truffles, and slips of paper on which are written wholesome family activities promoting togetherness and joy. Once complete, the Smug Mother uploads a photograph to Pinterest, where a thousand aspiring Smugs repin it.
Bespoke end-of-term teacher gifts
Nothing identifies a Smug Mother quite like the end-of-term gift. Eschewing the ‘best teacher’ mugs, bottles of plonk and child-spawned biscuits of dubious quality, the Smug Mother sources her gifts from Not On The High Street, breaking the unwritten fiver rule, and wrapping them in brown paper printed with snowflakes made from the silver fingerprints of her offspring. When contributing to the pre Christmas school gate who-should-we-buy-for conversation, she’ll say firmly that only the class teacher and teaching assistant should receive gifts. On the last day of term she’ll waltz up with a basket of goodies for everyone from the Headteacher to the man who cuts the grass, because ‘we couldn’t possibly leave anyone out.’ Smug Mother will share her innovative present ideas on Facebook, but only when it’s too late for anyone to borrow her ideas.
Make all your Christmas presents
You should really have started in August, but if you’re truly devoted to the cause you could still catch up. The Smug Mother has a drawer full of pickled apricots, knitted knee supports and air-dried clay bead bracelets. Never far from a crochet hook, she can whip up a present in less time than it takes you to log on to Amazon, and not only does her jam always set, the jars are dressed in hand-stitched jackets with raspberries embroidered on the lapel. As each gift is finished, Smug Mother Instagrams them under the hashtag #madewithlove, and half her followers reach for the gin.
Shop local
When Smug Mother isn’t making Christmas presents, she’s filling her pantry with delicious food. It is with great reluctance that she books (in early October ) a Christmas Ocado slot – ‘for the bulky items’ – because she is passionate about supporting the High Street. Tripping into the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker, Smug Mother will fill her bags-for-life to the brim with organic, locally sourced food, looking askance at your Iceland carrier bags stuffed with two-for-one vol-au-vents and the bird-in-a-bird-in-a-bird you got because everyone always argues about whether to have turkey, duck or goose.
Finally, remember those less fortunate
The Smug Mother has impeccable timing. She’ll hold back until half-way through a Christmas Eve showing of ‘Elf’, before sharing a poignant thought on Twitter about all the poor children in Somalia, whereupon everyone will immediately feel callous and shallow, and wish they hadn’t been such enthusiastic participants of #changeawordinasongtitletoelf.
I do hope these handy hints go some way towards helping you achieve the festive season of your dreams. With a little thought and creativity, and with sufficient social media channels at your disposal, you too could be a Smug Mother this Christmas.