My next door neighbour was burgled last night. This is a major event for the entire street; we are all middle-aged people in a middle class street, in a town which has the lowest crime rate in the South of England. Based on the theory that criminals often return to the scene of the crime for more easy pickings, I have been considering our options. One: buy a scary guard dog. Two: wrap razor wire round the perimeter. Three: leave the day’s collection of nappies (normally 11) outside the front door, and rely on the waft of their contents to put off any would-be intruder.
Having discounted all the above, I have settled on the far more civilised option of leaving a note on the gate for the burglar, which I have reproduced below, in the event that any of you find yourself in a similar situation.
Dear Burglar,
Please take the large television in the sitting room, as we are planning to replace it. If you could also see your way to damaging the grotesque carpet in that room, that would be marvellous; an insurance claim for some new flooring would make my year. When you take the silver photo frame collection, perhaps you would be good enough to remove the photos first and just pop them on the table. Thanks. Please also remove the memory cards from the cameras. In the conservatory is a rather expensive telescope which my husband received for Christmas. It is far too large for the house, so it would be much appreciated if you could take that with you. There are several other items I never use; feel free to remove the breadmaker, the oven and the hoover.
In the playroom is a selection of DVDs with a good re-sale market at car boot sales. Please leave Jungle Book, or my life will not be worth living. You will note that the room appears to have suffered an explosion of plastic crap; please take as much as you like.
I doubt there is much of interest in the garage, although there are many unused power tools if you would like to liberate them. The triple buggy has an excellent re-sale value on eBay, but it was imported from New Zealand, and really would cause me an enormous inconvenience. Perhaps you could take the double Maclaren instead?
My handbag is in the the kitchen; could you just leave me a fiver in case of emergencies? I may need to tip the locksmith.