Much has been debated about the benefits of providing early sex education to children, but new research has indicated a worrying gap in the system. Young couples in their twenties and early thirties are receiving little or no information about the true dangers of unprotected sex. This post aims to raise awareness.
Before you drop your pants… Stop! Think!
Unprotected sex will put you at risk of:
A pelvic floor so weak the merest hint of a cough requires a four-pack of Tena.
Mumnesia: a condition which will render you unable to tell people where Poland is, remember who the last Doctor Who was, or even to finish your sent…
Having absolutely no money at all. Ever.
A Sky+ planner filled with nothing but episodes of Charlie and Lola.
Nights so interrupted you consider simply calling yourself nocturnal and having done with it. Except you never get to sleep during the day, either.
An instant and dramatic reduction in job opportunities. This will last until you reach your fifties, when you will be told you are too old and too unskilled to answer the phones.
An inability to watch a Christmas John Lewis advert without bursting into tears, forcing your partner to watch it, then accusing them of being dead inside when they don’t cry.
A sex life which hovers somewhere between ‘quick’ and ‘occasional’.
Spending hours of your highly skilled time sewing bespoke cotton labels onto polyester school uniform multi-pack items which only cost about 50p each in the first place.
A body so altered that the sight of it in the bathroom mirror makes you wonder if you are in fact seeing the reflection of a naked-and-slightly-overweight burglar.
Holding vomit in your cupped hands, because the carpet is new and catching regurgitated lasagne is the lesser of two evils.
Having only a distant recollection of what your real name is, and contemplating a deed-poll change to ‘Mummeeeeeee’ or Daddeeeeeeeee’.
The removal of any aspect of privacy, from taking a shower to having a poo.
Finding it perfectly normal to eat supper at 5.30pm, and calling anything after 9pm a ‘late night’.
Having regular three-in-a-beds which bear absolutely no resemblance to that one you had at university that time with your best friend, her boyfriend and a bottle of tequila.
Forward this warning to at least ten child-free friends, in order that they may be spared the horrific consequences of unprotected sex.