A friend of mine asked me recently, “so just how much do children cost?” It brought to mind a colleague who, after discovering his girlfriend was unexpectedly pregnant, calculated optimistically that a mere £6 a week was required to sustain this future child. I would love to track him down, some seven or eight years later, and find out how accurate his estimation was.
There is an enormous amount of well documented research into the real cost of bringing up kids; it appears regularly in the broadsheets, and I would not presume to re-work it here. Such lists cover the cost of feeding a child from birth to sixteen, nappies, childcare, school fees, educational trips, clothes and so on, but I have yet to see a piece of work which covers the true cost of having children, so here is a starter for ten…
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Sanity – missing in action: last seen prior to our first conception, with only fleeting – and unsubstantiated – sightings since. Cost of a residential stay at The Priory, in an attempt to retrieve it; £25,000
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Stomach: never revealed to the general public, for fear of causing mass hysteria. Likely to be mistaken for a Shar-pei. Cost of a tummy tuck; £4,000
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Lotions and potions: a ridiculous amount of Bio-oil and Mama Mio in a dedicated yet pointless attempt to rescue my tummy from its wrinkly grave. Cost; I’m too embarrassed to say.
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Breasts: once nicknamed Pinky and Perky, now reminiscent of those deflated balloons you see a week after the party has finished. Cost of a boob job; £4,000
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Complete wardrobe: pre-baby clothes now sag depressingly on the top half, and burst alarmingly on the bottom half. Perhaps I could wear them upside down? Cost of a complete new wardrobe: £1,000 (for now…)
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Conception #1: IVF (ICSI) £3,500. And I’m going to make him pay me back every penny…
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Conception #2: two Bacardi Breezers and a portion of chips. £5.20. And we got twins again – what a bargain 😉
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Chocolate and miscellaneous confectionary: essential fodder at various stages of the last few years; pregnancy hormones/lactation support/post-natal blues. Cost; probably in the region of £72.48. Or a little bit more.
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Raisins: to be found not only in the pantry, but in my change-bag, coat pockets, glove compartment… anywhere I might require them to defuse a child-related emergency. Cost: £42
For everything else, of course, there’s Mastercard…
Please feel free to add to this list 🙂