
There is an enormous amount of well documented research into the real cost of bringing up kids; it appears regularly in the broadsheets, and I would not presume to re-work it here. Such lists cover the cost of feeding a child from birth to sixteen, nappies, childcare, school fees, educational trips, clothes and so on, but I have yet to see a piece of work which covers the true cost of having children, so here is a starter for ten…
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Sanity – missing in action: last seen prior to our first conception, with only fleeting – and unsubstantiated – sightings since. Cost of a residential stay at The Priory, in an attempt to retrieve it; £25,000
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Stomach: never revealed to the general public, for fear of causing mass hysteria. Likely to be mistaken for a Shar-pei. Cost of a tummy tuck; £4,000
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Lotions and potions: a ridiculous amount of Bio-oil and Mama Mio in a dedicated yet pointless attempt to rescue my tummy from its wrinkly grave. Cost; I’m too embarrassed to say.
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Breasts: once nicknamed Pinky and Perky, now reminiscent of those deflated balloons you see a week after the party has finished. Cost of a boob job; £4,000
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Complete wardrobe: pre-baby clothes now sag depressingly on the top half, and burst alarmingly on the bottom half. Perhaps I could wear them upside down? Cost of a complete new wardrobe: £1,000 (for now…)
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Conception #1: IVF (ICSI) £3,500. And I’m going to make him pay me back every penny…
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Conception #2: two Bacardi Breezers and a portion of chips. £5.20. And we got twins again – what a bargain 😉
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Chocolate and miscellaneous confectionary: essential fodder at various stages of the last few years; pregnancy hormones/lactation support/post-natal blues. Cost; probably in the region of £72.48. Or a little bit more.
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Raisins: to be found not only in the pantry, but in my change-bag, coat pockets, glove compartment… anywhere I might require them to defuse a child-related emergency. Cost: £42
For everything else, of course, there’s Mastercard…
Please feel free to add to this list 🙂