It’s the night before Christmas and all through the land,
Mothers are pacing, the wine close to hand.
Have we bought enough presents? Have we got the right ones?
Is Rupert too little to play with Nerf guns?
When’s your mother arriving? How long is she staying?
She always drinks more when she’s not the one paying.
Did you pick up the turkey? How could you forget?
You’ll have to go now, I don’t care if it’s wet.
If you hurry, you’ll catch them – you mustn’t be late,
And get some more crackers, we’ve only got eight.
Kids, will you be quiet? I can’t hear myself think.
Is it too early to start on the drink?
Get the cat off the tree, she’ll bring the thing down!
No, that wouldn’t be funny – don’t be such a clown.
Yes, but who’d clear it up? It wouldn’t be you.
No that isn’t my job, it’s just something I do.
I could call Father Christmas and tell him, you know,
Not laughing now, are you? Ho bloody ho.
Who’s that at the door? What a lovely surprise!
Damn, I wish I’d made more than a dozen mince pies.
None left for visitors – I can’t make more now,
Nigella could do it, but I’ve no idea how.
There just isn’t time, not with presents to wrap.
I’ve run out of paper and this sticky tape’s crap.
I’m having a drink, though despite all we bought,
we seem to have finished that bottle of port.
Oh, there you are! Laden with turkey, thank heaven!
It looks very small, will it feed twenty seven?
Why did we say we’d do Christmas at ours?
The house is too small and there aren’t enough chairs.
You say no one cares – they’re just being polite,
And I’m getting wound up cause I JUST WANT THINGS RIGHT!
Kids, what is it now? What’s this you have done?
I’ve no time to read it, I’ve barely begun.
“Dear Santa, we’ve already written to you,
but we’re writing again with something quite new.
We just want mum and dad to sit down for a while,
to join in our games and to give us a smile.
We don’t care about turkeys or how many crackers,
or even the presents, for none of it matters.
So Santa, if you could just finish mum’s chores,
then we promise we won’t ever ask you for more.”
Oh, I see. That’s quite something. I had no idea.
I suppose I’ve been lacking in real festive cheer.
It’s the night before Christmas – it’s no time for stress,
it’s for laughter, and love, and all-togetherness.
Let’s hang up our stockings and sit by the fire,
Tell stories, play games, till it’s time to retire.
It’s the night before Christmas and everything’s done.
All that matters is love, and our family fun.
I forgot, for a while, but now I can see,
all that matters is right here: here next to me.
Merry Christmas, everyone!