Since becoming a published author, the same questions have come up again and again. There are some lovely questions (will you sign this? how does it feel to be published? how did you come up with the idea?) but there are also some absolute howlers. Here is what not to ask an author:
1. Can I have a copy?
Yes. You’ll find it on Amazon and in bookshops. I’m amazed by the number of people who think I have a stash of books to give away. Authors are sent a small box of books prior to publication. I ran a giveaway, donated one to a raffle (they were desperate), and gave the others to people who had helped me research the book. I have one left, and I’m keeping it.
2. How much money have you made?
Wow. Really? You’re actually asking me what I earn? Isn’t that one of those taboo questions in Britain? How about you tell me what your salary is first, then I’ll trade.
3. When’s the next one coming out?
Now don’t get me wrong, this is a nice thing to say, and suggests the questioner is keen to read more books. But in the same way that new mothers feel overwhelmed when they’re asked about number two when the stitches are still smarting from the first, so I’d quite like to enjoy the moment for a while.
4. Will I like it?
I have no idea. Give me a clue, at least: favourite authors, preferred genre?
5. Are you going to be the next J K Rowling?
Please, please, for your health and mine, stop with the J K Rowling references. It’s incredibly dispiriting to be the butt of a ‘hilarious’ comparison to a multi-millionaire, global phenomenon. There are plenty of other successful authors around, if you feel you must reference one, but really – why?
6. Is it any good?
I could write a list of 100 ‘what not to ask an author’ questions, and this one would still rank as the most ridiculous. What am I supposed to say: ‘no, it’s complete tripe’? Yes, my book is outstanding. Buy it.
7. I’ve always fancied writing a book – I’ve just never had the time.
I know, this isn’t a question. And I’ve ranted about it before. But honestly, give me a break! The idea that everyone could be a bestseller if they only had the time is ludicrous. Writing requires talent, hard graft, and a bit of luck: time is irrelevant.
8. Drinks are you on you, then?
Ah, money again. Sigh. Look, if you’re that desperate, I’ll buy you a pint, but for the last time: I’M NOT ROLLING IN CASH. What I earn from writing is my salary, just like yours. The next round’s on you.
9. That character’s based on you, isn’t it?
This is usually accompanied by a knowing wink. Honestly, if I’d wanted to write about my own life I’d have published a memoir. I write FICTION. The people are made-up. Just because there is a female police officer in I Let You Go doesn’t mean it’s me.
10. When is the film coming out?
This question makes my heart sink a little bit. It’s as though a book can only really be considered to be successful if it’s repackaged as a film. I’m sure every author would love to see their work on television or at the cinema, but it’s not the be all and end all. Books are a fabulous, complete entertainment system all of their own. Isn’t that enough of an achievement?
The next time you’re chatting to a writer, think about what you’re about to ask. If it appears in my list of what not to ask an author, or in the comments below, where writers have added some absolute howlers, don’t say it!