I can’t watch Ballamory any more. PC Plum’s apparently innocuous daily visits to the supposedly demure Miss Hoolie? Honestly, you know as well as I do that they’re straight in that stationery cupboard the minute our backs are turned…
Miss Hoolie was drooly for PC Plum’s truncheon,
Succumbed to his charms and had a wee munch on
it, caught by young Penny who cried out “Och noo!
A respectable school teacher, it jest does nae do!”
PC Plum went awandering to conquer his lust,
pausing to leer over Suzie Sweet’s bust.
He popped by McCready’s and honked on her horn,
Then visited Archie to look at some porn.
Archie invented a brand new contraption,
allowing the copper some lengthy love action.
They frolicked and gambolled from dawn until dusk,
Archie’s hair curling tight o’er his eyes filled with lust.
All across Ballamory the curtains were twitching,
but PC Plod’s plums were insatiably itching.
He wanted some more, and he wanted it now;
He knew who to see, but he didn’t know how…
Spencer’s musical ladder was wanting a climb,
PC Plum had the rhythm but was it bed-time?
The orange house beckoned with door open wide,
but PC Plum just wasn’t up to the ride.
Archie’s contraption had run out of juice,
and Plum was no longer free and footloose.
Without visiting Josie and jumping her bones,
he packed up his truncheon and headed for home.
And that’s the story in Ballamory today.