If your children tend to play up in the supermarket, might I suggest you take them to Aldi rather than Waitrose? This is not, as you might suspect, because of the clientele. Now that the middle-classes have descended upon four-letter-supermarkets with the alacrity of locusts, there is no escaping the snooty gaze of the Boden brigade. No, Aldi is a Mecca for parents of tantrum-fuelled families for entirely different reasons.
Firstly, there is no way of knowing where anything is. The labelling system is shambolic; tinned tuna stacked on wooden pallets are cheek by jowl with high-visibility cycling jackets and chocolate advent calendars. Such chaos means shoppers have to focus so intently on finding the contents of their lists, they barely notice a screaming child sweeping packets of tampons from the shelves.
Secondly, food is cheap. I know, that’s the point of these places, but think about it: where’s the ‘power’ in pester power, when everything only costs a few pence? Kid baying for Cheesy Wotsits? Bloody have them, love – they’re 26p for six packets, and as long as you turn a blind eye to the E-numbers and the frighteningly fluorescent fingers, everyone’s happy.
Finally – as if you needed any more incentive – shoppers are not allowed to pack at the till. If you haven’t been to Aldi before, this might come as a bit of a shock, but trust me: as a parent of a Rogue Child, this is an excellent thing. No need to stand at the till for half an hour, carefully separating one’s frozen goods from one’s fruit and veg: simply sweep the entire contents of the conveyor belt into the trolley, thrust some used notes at the cashier and exist stage left, dragging recalcitrant children beneath your coat tails.
So there you have it. Aldi is the perfect location for less-than-perfectly-behaved children.
Trust me on this one – where do you think I take mine?